"Survivors Always Fearful"

Survivors always have this “fear” deep inside, and not totally feeling safe anywhere.  The fact that I am able to wake up every day is a huge gift.  Everything else seems minimal.  It is important to focus on other things in your life, and all the positive things.

According to the National Domestic Violence Coalition, it is very important to feel safe and have a safety plan.  The NCADV states that a survivor should prepare their safety plan, even if they are no longer in the same home as the abuser, because abusers never stop once they are separated from the victim/survivor. 

As the NCADV states, “Although I can't control my abuser's violence, I do have a choice about

how I respond and how I get to safety. I will decide for myself if and when I will tell others that I

have been abused, or that I am still at risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help protect me,

if they know what is happening, and what they can do to help.”  (NCADV)

 Everyone should have a safety plan to help protect themselves and guard against further abuse. Some safety measures include: always letting friends know where you are, carrying your cell phone at all times, always meeting in a public place and having someone with you if you have to talk to your abuser. It is also important to have phone numbers on hand, such as that of the police, if the need arises.  Definitely, it is important, to always be aware of where you are and your surroundings. What I have also found important to help me feel safe, is talking about my fears and concerns with someone.  I have learned to be cautious, but not let the fear control me.  An abuser never stops, so you just need to do all that you can to keep yourself safe.

"There is Nothing Unique About My Story"

There is nothing unique about my story.  I met a person who was wonderful to me.  We met at the YMCA one day and went out with a group of friends and there he was.  However, there were signs that always were in the back of my head.  Social drinking was out of control, verbal abuse in public, in front of his family.  I always thought that things could be changed over time.  We got married, bought a home, and then I got pregnant with my first.  We both worked very hard to pay the bills. There were no financial issues at that time.  After our daughter was born, there seemed to be the frustration and anxiety, which were at all time high levels.  Since he was working two jobs, the resentment for me also increased.  The things I cherished from my childhood were broken when we argued, at first I would just try to remain calm and try to appease, but that didn't work.  My son was born 3 yrs. later.  Drinking had become a part of most events with family and friends.  He loved our kids very much and I took a part time job on second shift, having friends be with my kids till he came home.  I could say that there was some relief due to the fact that extra money was coming in.

Although this did help, I was relying on friends for child care and rides for groceries, etc.

The verbal abuse continued with pushing n shoving.  His mom often would tell him, that if he didn’t want to be in the marriage he should just leave, I also said the same.  I counseled with my parish priest, trying to still make it work for myself and the kids. 

Weekends became a nightmare. He would go out as soon as I came home from work, leaving the kids with a sitter.  I was taking a ride from co-workers and started to get dropped off a couple blocks from my house to avoid the situation.  Heart was breaking for my children, life had become very difficult.  The car would be hidden so I couldn’t use it, the same with the financial aspect.  No control over any of the money we had.

One Sunday morning I was cooking breakfast for the kids and after a night of drinking, I was attacked by him.  I was punched in the arms and shoved.  I took the kids and ran to my friend and neighbor and called the police.  I had him arrested.  After the years of abuse verbally and now this was happening, it was time for change.  I had him evicted, went for an order and from that moment on, I decided that no one would ever do that to me or my kids again.  So you see, as I said in the beginning, my story is a very typical one.  Abusers come in all forms, save your life and never ever think you can change someone.  The signs were there.  Don't ever keep hoping it will go away, it doesn’t.   The fortunate thing was that I had many angels in my life during that time and I thank my Lord everyday for that.

"Tranquil Safe Haven"

 
The sky is open with its face so magnificent, one could become lost in its eternal depth of beauty. The sun's charming warmth upon ones face soothes deep into the soul, creating euphoria of passionate desires. The clouds are spaced with such perfection as they are the purest of white; their feathery features are as comforting as a blanket held tight. The winds are graceful, their breezes so soft, so delicate. The water extends as far as one's imagination, with its waves as gentle as a tender touch. The sands are light with their grainy cushion as they hug each step taken as a reassuring embrace letting you know your presence is cherished. As you slowly close your eyes, this tranquil wonder land is taken deep into your being like a seductive dance. These peaceful moments are politely interrupted by the voice of the ocean caressing the shore and embracing the rocks as a fond hello. This wonderfully fragrant ocean air is taken in and almost tasted, bringing together an abundance of the senses making this experience complete. This is the safe haven you seek. Here you are surrounded by a secure sanctuary of all that is sacred and divine. Relax your pains away now, let your guard down, and become one with all that surrounds you, for now you are at home, your tranquil safe haven.

“NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE!”

Blood, dripping out of my nose, and me crying every day is so normal is my life, after being hit, ….and no one seems to care.  It happens every single day……….during one of his many anger episodes.  But, no one seems to care.

Do you know why no one cares, it is because he has the power to believe he is “above the law”, and is treated by our system that he IS above the law.

Our society looks as this as “normal”?   How sad is that!

I am stuck in this abuse, with no way that I can find to get out safely.

It says in the Bible that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”, so I do my best to deal with everything in front of me, and pray that I can someday and someway get out……

I don’t think that God knew what kind of evil that some men had planned.  To purposely hurt a woman is just pure evil.

Today is the day I make my pledge to myself,
 
I ______________ , pledge to finally begin to take care of myself and to look after myself for once and to not feel guilty or selfish about putting myself first, for if I don't take care of myself I will never be able to be the best me that I can be for myself and for others. I also pledge to stand up and defend myself because for far too long now the one person who needed the most defending has gone the most bullied. Today, I pledge to no longer look down on myself for the things that are out of my control and to realize that those things were placed out of my control for a reason and to use them as life experiences and lessons and not as brandings or titles. Today, I am pledging to never worry again about what others may think of me or the way I live my life, that although people’s opinions are appreciated, they are merely only that, their opinions and not my own. I pledge that I will never allow ones opinions to ever define me as a person again. I also pledge to not take it personally if someone does not accept me or like me, that I will know in my heart that it is their loss of a truly amazing person! I pledge to finally look myself in the mirror and see a very beautiful person and not the monster I thought I used to see and to truly realize that although I may feel I have flaws, it's those flaws that are what makes me ... me! Today, I pledge to no longer make myself feel that I need to be in competition with anyone, that life is not a race and that life should be enjoyed and not rushed by missing all life's great little things by being too overly concerned about keeping up with or exceeding others. I pledge to no longer make myself feel as though I have all these rules to follow, that life should be simple and not complicated. I pledge that as long as I have peace inside me I know I will be ok!
 
It is my pledge today to take back control of my own life and to never again allow someone else to control the reigns of my life because I am the one behind the steering wheel, not anyone else, this is my journey! I am pledging today to never apologize again for who I am and for the life I have led and for the things that I have been through and therefore I pledge to never allow anyone into my life again that can't handle these things because I only need strong accepting people in my life! I pledge to no longer allow the influence of others to dictate my success. I will also pledge to love myself! To actually really love myself for the wonderful person that I truly am! My most important pledge is to no longer beat myself up, rip myself apart or to stomp on myself as a human being because I don't deserve that and I never have! I know all these things will take a while to learn to do but it's my pure conscious effort to take care of myself even if that means reading this ten times a day!
 
For so many years I have neglected the one person who matters the very most. I have knocked myself to the curb more times than I care to think about and yet I'm still there, still wanting to be my very best friend. So, I say to myself, I am so very sorry for neglecting you, for hurting you and for never being there for you. Thank you for all of your amazing amount of loyalty to me and for knowing that I never meant you any harm. I now see you, self and that I have been very wrong all these years. That true love does exist and it is not in another person but in ME! Will you work with me self? Will you help me to be the very best us that we can be, because I really feel that if we work together, we will have a massive amount to bring to people? I feel very close to being able to make an impact in life but I will never be able to reach my full potential without you and me together. I know that together we will reach millions...
 
 Today is the day ......I pledge ....... to start living my life and living it well!
  
__________________________
Signed
 

 __________________________
Date

"Break the Silence"

I have been where you are. I have seen what you see. I know the fear you feel. The endless doubt you think. I know the overwhelming indescribable pain that you feel deep in your heart. I know the feeling of a weak and weary soul that fights the decision to go on another day. I know the feeling of desperation and hopelessness of the coming days. You don't have to say a word; I see your secret that you hide in your eyes. We are one of the same, kindred spirits that are forever bonded. I smile to you with eyes that hug your hurting soul. Come to me, for I am your shelter that will protect you from harm. Come to me, for guidance when you are unsure. Come to me, for strength when you feel that you are weak. Come to me, for the love that your tender heart will always seek. I love you for who you are, for the amazing person that is you! Take my hand now, feel its loving gentle grip. Feel your security in its touch. Join me now as we gather others that know our life and help me to help set them free as they deserve to be. Together we are strong! Together we are powerful! Together we have a voice! Together we will overcome and together we will conquer!

I live every day in fear, for I am still in and surviving my abusive marriage.  I am married to a police officer, who takes his anger out on me every single day. No one knows the type of fear that I feel, except those who have been through the same thing that I have been through.  I have met many other women who are either currently married or formerly married to abusive officers.  As we all know, it is a long and difficult journey……..and my journey has just begun.

There are no resources to help women like myself, who are married to those with powerful positions like that of a police officer.   The pain is indescribable!

Officers know how to use their powers to the fullest…..and how to manipulate every single person…….

I fear for my children as well, and fear that he will take them, as he has often threatened to do.

No one will listen to me.  No one seems to care, except other women who have suffered abuse at the hand of a police officer.

- Fear of Police Officer Husband

"Dauntless"

 
I have fought through the pain. I have endured through the tears. I have stood up to demons and I have won! I have come through the darkness. I know how to see the light and not the shadows. I have shattered extreme adversity. I have overcome those who said no. I have silenced those who said I have no worth. I have found the beauty in strength and the wisdom of intelligence. I have the grace of maturity and the tolerance of ignorance. I have the nobility of being humble with the character of benevolence. I now have the ability to carry on and the determination to push forward! I know now how to stand tall, how to stand proud! I will not be stopped! Not now, not ever! My life is far too precious to ever give it up again. For I just now comprehend all of my life's glorious purpose. I have found myself, the little child inside, I've always been right here. I was always by my side. The child who was once held so captive is now so free and will do nothing but persevere! I now know my worth! I now know my purpose! I am here for inspiration through positive endeavors. I am here to show you that life begins again!

I sat there with my heart in my hand

Broken-hearted and unable to understand

My daughter and I were scared and crying in the car

This time he had really gone too far

Was it my fault? Did I make him do this to me?

I was hurt and confused but finally free!

You see, every night I’d go to bed fearing for my life

The day came he tried to kill me with a knife

As he beat me, our daughter looked so scared

I saw the devil inside him as his emotions flared

How could he hurt me if he said he cared?

I was four months pregnant. He showed no remorse

Savagely hurting me with incredible force

I still wondered “Could my kids have been next?”

Never knowing how far he could go if I put him to the test

He later wrote me from jail apologizing

Sending letters and drawings that were truly mesmerizing

My dad would always hit my mom

No one’s perfect, he’s not the only one…

Right? … Wrong!

I’ve decided it stops here, with me

There will be no more violence in my family

I am a survivor of domestic violence. That is not easy for me to say because for so long I have lived in “silence,” not talking about what I have been going through and all of the abuse that I have endured.  Having this man - who I have been married to for such a long time and was supposed to love me - beat me, cut me, and verbally attack me on a daily basis was sometimes too much to take. Having him tell me repeatedly how unlovable I am and how worthless I am was also so overwhelming, it is indescribable. The pain, both from the physical scars as well as the emotional scars, brought me down to such a low point in my life that I have never been before. I was told so many times by him that no one would ever, ever believe me. It is so painful what I have gone through, like so many other women, it is so unbelievably indescribable!

But I have to say that as I have begun the process in our judicial system against my abuser, it is unbelievably sad how cruel, disrespectful and even abusive that the judicial system is towards survivors.  They further traumatize survivors by causing more damage.  They are uneducated and ignorant of the facts of domestic violence. I know that this is going to be such a long process and I am extremely fearful! No wonder more women don’t come out of “hiding,” because the system is cruel towards victims and survivors.

I met him in Christmas break of my first year in college. This was not only my first boyfriend, but the first guys that I had sex with. Things were great for about the first four months. I came home every weekend to see him. Easter break break 1982 was the first time he hit me. We had a great day. I just wanted to go home and spend a little time with my mom. After all we had been together every day for the last 3 days. He asked me to stay but I wanted to leave. I informed him that I was going to leave and he pushed me back on the sofa. I got up again and he slapped me. I was in shock, but I decided to slap him back. I will never forget the look on his face. He started to choke me (I had never been choked before). I could not believe it. I stared at him with tears in my eyes and he decided to stop. When he let go of my neck I tried to run. He grabbed me back and started to pull down my pants and have sex with me (I know now he rapped me). After he was done he apologized a million times and allowed me to go home.

I drove home believing that he was sorry; he just wanted to spend time with me before I returned back to school. Well that night I didn’t not take his calls, but first thing the next day he was at my door talking with my father (the Police Officer).

After returning to school and the constant phone calls from him I decided that he was so in love with me that he could not be without me. He asked me to come home two weekends a month (after all I was only 1 hour away) and I agreed. By the way he did not work or was he enrolled in school. He lived with both his parents and his big sister. Twice a month I would spend my entire weekend with him. Twice a month he would hit me or not allow me to leave when I wanted to. I would return to school, come home, get hit, choked, even bitten, and never once did I tell anyone. How could I? I was the strongest among my friends, I had a 3.7 grade point average, my parents were middle class, I was pretty, talk, etc…and o by the way everyone loved him even my father.

Once I graduated from college and returned home things got worse. When I went out with my friends he would be waiting outside of my house. He would either drag me in his car and pull down my panties to check to see if I had sex or just rape me. It had been four years of stalking, hitting, rapping, controlling and I had not told not even one person. I was ashamed. I just kept thinking that I am good at solving problems; I know I can figure this thing out, but I could not. Finally, he hit me in the eye (he had on a ring). We went to his house, snuck in the basement (we did not want his parents to see me) and tried everything we could to make the red eye go away, but nothing worked. I went home that night and told my parents that he and I were in a car accident. My parents took me to the ER, but neither asked if he did it. I was just waiting for them to ask, but they did not. They wanted me to call him to make sure he was ok.

Every morning he would wait outside my house to drive me to work. I started to leave out of my back door and run to the bus stop with him chasing me in his car. Yes I was afraid of him at this point. Several times he would chase me in my car and would drive to the police station, but I never got out of the car, because I did not want to embarrass my father.

Finally, I had enough. I thought I was pregnant and he hit me so hard in my stomach it knocked me off my feet. I quit my job, I went to his parents and I lied and told him that I would tell my father everything (I really was not going to tell him). He slapped me again. I kicked him in his stomach. This was only the second time that I even attempted to defend myself.

He called several times, but each time I stood my ground. After about 3 months he stopped. It took me about a year to feel okay about leaving my home, my friend’s homes, the shopping malls, the movie theaters, and my job. I am not sure why I stayed. If I had only told my father. I have been married for 21 years now. I married my second boyfriend. We have two children. A 19 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. I have never shared this story with my children, only my husband and you guys. I do watch my daughter and son closely. As parents my husband and I try to keep open dialogue with both of our children.

I can say I am a survivor on many different levels. I am a survivor of domestic violence after being savagely beaten both physically and emotionally by my ex-husband for many years.  He is and was a man of considerable physical and social power in the community, so it didn’t matter what I said to the courts because he was and is able to get away with everything. I was told that the court does not care about the truth, and does not care about domestic violence.

I was also physically assaulted by one of the court officials/experts in his office, and was later told that “everyone” in the court system knew what he did to women. Nothing was ever done and the matter was brushed under the rug.

Domestic violence comes in many forms and these people with considerable power in Will County are allowed to further traumatize abused women and get away with it.  It needs to stop. I am a survivor!

I was born Sarah. I later defined my self as “survivor.” I have two children. They are why I originally entered this program at Groundwork/Guardian Angel. I stayed for myself. TLP Suzy’s Caring Place has given me a beautiful opportunity to do something for US! I am here to re-build what someone has broken – at least they thought so. It never was my dream to live in violence. It became my reality. It seemed to be the only reality I ever knew. It clouded my focus and my dream was put in a waiting pool. I no longer have to wait to be FREE! I am safe now. I am happy. I am healthy. My children are breaking the chains that were put on them and they can now laugh again. This experience is welcomed and blessed by the three of us. It’s difficult to change addresses and change friends and change schools and states. It is GREAT to find peace and solace, and feel sure that today is and will be another GREAT DAY! Thank you to all who made this possible – oh yeah, that’s me. I found my strength. My hopes and dreams remain. To the Guardian Angel program: Thank you for giving me a bed, and a bed I can finally rest at night in and sleep! I, for the first time in 31 years, can say, “I took back my night.” I thank you for that. It’s cherished. I recommend anyone who endures sleepless nights in fear and panic to not wait. YOU’RE WORTH IT TONIGHT! Every night should be yours. My faith may have been tested and torn, and at times felt shattered. I never lost it. I find it’s me I am finding again. Who I really am, and who I really want to be. Not victim. Not survivor. SARAH!

Father Figure?

When night creeps in

this little girl just can't win

standing behind

am I out of my mind

how can it be

do I really see

him touching me?

She's so little

his hand is so big

touching the places that shouldn't be touched

she's only four

but thinks this life is just too much

She cries out a prayer

is there anyone there?

She feels so alone

he cuts to the bone

breaking her will

has he gotten his fill?

Everyday is the same

on her heart - imprinted; His name

when all's said and done

who's really to blame

why is she the one to carry the shame?

Now, looking back

I cry for that babe

she wasn't alone

there was so much ahead

she couldn't have known

that she would be loved

there really was someone above

looking down on her sorrow

teaching her lessons

that she needed for tomorrow

I am a 21 year old woman who like many woman my age, have dreams of the future. I have been very skittish to share with people my story, but as I get older I want to share with people because even though I was not able to save myself from what happened, maybe, just maybe my story can help someone else. Everyday has been a battle for me since I was little, I have been through a lot growing up and only being 21 years old I feel a head of my years but still like I have a lot left to discover. I had no choice but to grow up faster then I wanted to. I am more and more aware everyday that everyone has their stories and everyone has their battles. Mine started at a very young age. My mother had remarried when I was 6, he was the only father I ever knew when I was little, my biological father had not been around since him and my mother split when I was still a newborn. My step-father seemed to be everything we were missing in our lives, I'm not sure what had changed him or if he was always like this and I was just to young to notice. But one night while at my grandmothers I remember her getting a phone call from the police that something had happened to my mother and we need to get to the house as soon as possible. Upon arriving all I remember is flashing lights with cops and an ambulance in front of our house. Walking in a police officer took me and carried me upstairs to try and avoid what had happened. There was blood everywhere, I didn't know if she was alive or dead, I could hear my grandmother screaming and crying downstairs. The officer reassured me my mother was alive but had been badly beaten by my step-father. They could not find my step-father, he had ran off before the police could get there, but was armed with a gun and on the loose. They had taken my mother to the hospital where later me and my grandmother went. He had eventually came back to the house and turned himself in with the gun. He was arrested and thrown in jail. Only days later after coming home from the hospital my mother deiced not to press charges and wanted him to come back home. She had asked me if it was ok, I told her "No." He came home anyways, not to long after is when my childhood would have forever been changed. He had abused me mentally, physically, and sexually, starting around the age of 8. It had become almost routine for him and for me it became normal. If I ran from him he only ran faster, if I said no the it would only go on for longer. I remember being numb of feelings, scared to death of what he might do to me or my mother if I had told her or anyone else. He threatened that I would never see my mother again if I told. So I was silenced. My battle I thought had ended when he died in September 1998, when I was 10 years old. It wasn't until a year later that I finally told my mother what had happened. I don't think she ever forgave her self for letting him come back home. But it was reported to the police and I was finally able to speak about it to someone. It is still something I struggle with to this day, the nightmares that haunt me occasionally, the diaries I kept as a little girl are almost unbearable to read at times, but the thought that my story might help someone is what makes me hope for a better future. I have had a hard time over the years getting my voice out there, speaking about it has not always been the easiest so I had become accustomed to writing, something that I have written recently that means a lot to me and is also something I have never shared with anyone until now. It is something that is best described in my own words what my life has been like.

June 28th, 2009

I've been broken and abused,

I've been loved and cherised,

I've seen hell at home and in the world,

I've seen fury in a man's eyes and disappointment in my mother's smile,

I've swam with the sharks and drove with the devil,

I've cried in happiness and laughed in the face of pain,

I've been through the unspeakable and witnessed greatness in others,

Everyday I fight not to become my own worst enemy,

But while sitting in the shadows of my adolescence I kept a memior of my journey,

I had never doubted that everything happens for a reason,

Now more then ever I want to fight the battle,

Fight the battle so many lose,

I want to become the heroine in their story,

I want to be an advocate for the unknown children hiding a secret,

I want to be the whisper you hear that makes you say I want change, I want better.

"Frank"

What is it about your name

that evokes so much shame

do you feel any blame

for the things that you did

the lies that we hid

all for what?

So you could be the man

you held us clenched

in the palm of your hand

we were always afraid

did that make you feel brave?

Sneaking up from behind

we could never unwind

long enough to breathe

you kept us too small to leave

the gifts that you gave

were you trying to save
your soul

a black piece of coal

who left you with nothing

but a dark, empty hole?

I just can't conceive

I don't want to believe

that you made us feel small

for nothing at all

Imagine living in fear everyday of your marriage, and for many years after that marriage is over.   A fear so big, that you are afraid of not only your abuser, but other people in the community as well, such as doctors, judges, attorneys, etc., because they did nothing to help you, but in fact encouraged it in many ways.   This fear never leaves you���because it is the same way it was years ago��nothing has changed in our system or in the way that the community and society views abused women and domestic violence.   I live in fear every single day!!!

I am a survivor of domestic violence.    Domestic violence has been so widely ignored and most people are not educated on the facts of what occurs to women when they are abused.  Domestic Violence is so much more than lying on the ground, bleeding��..so much more.   People in society think that abused women are uneducated and stupid, but we are not.  I was verbally abused by my ex-husband, who also severely physically abused me as well, and often held a gun to my head, because it gave him more power over me.   He did this to our children as well.   To this day, my children, are still afraid of him, but dare not say this in public, for fear that he will hear about it, and they fear that he will come after them.    He is a very good intimidator and manipulator of the system�

I almost lost my baby girl, because of him, and the physical damage that he did to me during my pregnancy.

I endured so much abuse, so much more than this was done to me.   I was hurt physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and every which way�

Our court system allows women to be further victimized and abused, because of lack of caring and understanding.

I have lost everything materially because of all of the abuse I suffered.   But I still have my strength and myself.

Women are further traumatized and victimized by our system.

Being a Survivor means many things to me.   As a survivor, I have overcome such obstacles with not only the physical damage that was done, but also the severe emotional scars that were left, as well as the financial hardships and continued abuse by the court system that does not care about abused women. This is not just a feeling, but it is indeed a fact!

After suffering for so many years, during my marriage, from daily beatings at the hands of my former husband, I finally gathered enough courage to leave, and then I went into the court system, that was supposed to help me, but instead they treated me as if I didn�t matter at all!    I was laughed at, ridiculed, and taunted, and told to �stop being so emotional�.   There was no concern, no sympathy, and no education on what domestic violence actually is.   There are just a lot of distant, �have their own personal agendas� people in our court system that follows their own set of laws, not the United States Constitution or Illinois Laws.   They have no clue what women go through.

Abused Women, have their health affected for years and years, and many suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress due to all of the abuse.

Abuse never ends for many of us.  I always thought that I was alone, until I met some other survivors.  We need more openness in our community, and more changes in our system to show women know that they are not alone.  We definitely need and we deserve more support.

Thank you.

I am a survivor of domestic violence!

I married my husband in 1991, and had my son in 1992.  There were so many domestic violence problems from the start, because of his drinking.  I did divorce him in 1995, after I felt that I could support him on my own.   I was so scared!   I feel that we need to teach our children that it is never ok to hit women.   We need to steer them away from drugs and alcohol and even encourage boys that they can talk to someone about their issues.   I was married to a man in 1991, and he hid his alcohol problem for awhile.   He hid his vodka bottles.  It became apparent he had a problem 6 weeks into our marriage.  He hit me out of something little I said in a conversation.  I never saw that coming!  

I did not call the police then, but afterwards, 4 subsequent times I had him arrested.   The problem with that is it�s a misdemeanor and he�s out in 24 hours, angrier!

The way that I see it, is jail time for men, is not rehabilitating these men, as I found out. The whole time that they are in jail, they are fighting other men for survival.   Abusive men, come out of jail, even angrier!!!

Had I stayed married, �for the sake of my child�; my son would have learned that it�s ok for a man to bully and intimidate women.  And I would have surely been dead.   No one deserves abuse.  No one should ever stay in such a relationship!

It is not easy to write about such a sensitive topic, especially because it involves me and it forces me to remember such a difficult time in my life.  It�s difficult to know where to start because this was not supposed to happen to me.  I am a professional. Currently, I am working on a second master�s degree in Educational Leadership. At the same time, I am writing about surviving domestic abuse.

I married my abuser and stayed married to him for 21 years. We had two sons together. We bought our first home together. I became a professional while being married to him. We were 27 years old when we joined hands in matrimony. I grew up in the church we were married in and raised our sons in this church. I even taught Sunday school while he cooked for the church. Our entire existence as a Christian married couple was a lie. We argued and fought most of the time over those 21 years.  My husband abused drugs and alcohol. Both of us put up a united front for the schools our sons attended, our family members and the church. We didn�t do a very good job at hiding the problem. It was very evident that we were having difficulty. I sought counseling for us and the boys throughout the marriage.

October 2007, I divorced my husband of  21 years after he held me down and hit me with his fist in my face, holding a knife over me so that I couldn�t fight him back. At that point, I knew that the abuse was going to a new level. I sought a restraining order that prevented him from coming around me. I prayed so many years for God to change him and save our marriage but the day came that I had the courage to give him back to God. I decided that this was not my battle any longer and only God could save him. Daily, I pray for his well-being and his safety because he is not only my ex-husband but he is my son�s father. I forgave him for his out of control behavior and God has blessed me to carry on with my life. I pray constantly for peace of mind and that my sons can get on with their lives. I talk to my sons and I pray for them to not repeat this generational curse. It hasn�t been easy for us but with the help of the good Lord, nothing is too hard for God, not even domestic abuse.

It was a matter of life and death.

I mistook �controlling� for �strong protector� and �provider.� In a very short time I had no relationship with my friends, and my giving and helping nature was restricted and put down. �How can you help someone else when you can�t even help yourself?� I gave everything I had to be the perfect person wearing every hat, but there was always a cut down, a hit of words below the belt. I started beating myself up saying that I never do anything right. I was on a roller coaster and didn�t really feel joy in a pleasant situation, because I knew it was only for a moment. I knew I was going in circles. I had to get on a straight path.

I found people just like me, and they helped me realize who I am. How I can stand on my own two feet and put my head up.  There are choices and to see clearly I had to leave. Looking forward to bright future, imagining being successful in everything I do.

I had very little possessions and what I thought was ours I found out different when the keys were taken away. But this gave me a charge of energy to pursue what is best for me and mine.

I forgive myself first. I can�t blame anyone for how things happen in my life. I understand I can make changes for my good and others can too.

I give people chances and believe their word. I learned red flags and to protect myself from being hurt. I learned from this experience and want to help others. You are here for a purpose and all things work together for good.

No one can tell me that you can't learn something new every day of your life.  Even the smallest of things learned in a minute are rewarding.  Being a young female learning to love and care for another can take its toll on a life, especially when married to a dominating man. You never really know a person until you live with them and even then you don't really know him. 
 
If one would think back in the beginning there are often signs to abuse and neglectful situation in your life. In the beginning if I allowed negative behaviors from him it could have only been because I thought he would change or I thought I would be able to change him. I have always been a survivor mentally, but physically I was weak. However, the ability to remain focused on growing up and continuing my education help me to survive many abusive situations.
 
Abuse � both physical and mental � was not invisible. Other people could tell something was wrong and eventually I found out that I was lying to myself about myself.  I had to learn that no one was more important than me in a relationship.  To survive I had to let go and let God.  Today I can say, I have never forgotten the past abusive situations, but those past situations don't hinder my growth to a better me daily. 

The gifts of life continually help me to fight for survival. The lesson to survival was taking the challenge and letting go of fear of the unknown and being without the person whom I thought loved me for me.  What I came to realize then and even now in life is no one can love you more than you love yourself and Love doesn�t hurt.  To survive I had to talk to myself, talk to others, talk about my fears, talk about my successes, talk about resources to care, talk about reaching higher grounds, talk to Jesus, talk to the wall, just talk and hear myself talk and I am a survivor today. 
  
I am a survivor in many respects when it comes to remembering physical and mental abuse at the hands of men. In a way I don't fault the abuser, because he has his story to tell and maybe it is one of a generational curse that was planted in his life. The emotional scars of the past do not keep me from making my way into the future positively.  Past abusive situations have only made me a stronger woman to set goals and have positive outcomes.  I can't list all the abuse that I have been through in my past, but in the end I can tell you that I have remained steadfast with loving myself first and remembering that love doesn�t hurt. 

To Whom It May Concern: 

I certainly do not profess to speak for all victims of domestic violence, but I can share part of my story with you. I married my first husband after knowing him a total of seven months. That was one month after my eighteenth birthday. When I think back on how little I knew, but thought I knew, it astounds me. While there were no signs of violence or controlling behavior during our dating, it didn�t take long for problems to surface during the marriage. Violence wasn�t the first sign I was in trouble. Three months after we got married, my now ex-husband sold my car and we moved away from family and friends. I was totally dependent on him for rides anywhere I needed to go. The first physical violence took place because I was upset when he didn�t come home until 5am one morning after a night out drinking. This day just also happened to be the day of his Grandfather�s funeral. When I complained I had been up all night and was tired and scared we were going to miss the service, he responded by smacking me in the face and dislocating my jaw. The last incident resulted in a physical beating which left me a concussion. Months would go by without incident and then my ex-husband would drink and something would set him off. Alcohol use is so often related to domestic violence. There are so many negative stories I could tell, but I�d rather focus on what helped me get well.

First, I enrolled in college. I had been a great student in High school. I was always on the honor roll and graduated in three years. In spite of my prior academic success, my self-esteem was very poor. I didn�t know it at the time, but school was just what I needed to help me realize it wasn�t stupid. I so often felt �dumb� because I stayed. I hid my pain from all of my friends and family because I knew they wouldn�t understand and would judge me for staying. Because I chose the field of psychology, school provided for me what therapy provides for many. I actually completed an internship at a domestic violence shelter where I learned how perfectly intelligent, capable women could become victims of domestic violence. I also learned some of the many reasons a woman might stay with the abuser much longer than others understand. I stayed twenty years!

I am now finished with school and work as a therapist. I am remarried and my life has never been better. If you are experiencing violence at the hands of a family member, please share your experiences with someone. There are plenty of people who are knowledgeable and willing to help. An excellent place to start is with your local domestic violence shelter. Any social services agency can provide you with the number. You are entitled to a life free from violence. Take that first step and trust those who know how to help.

No Longer A Victim

 "I am a single mother of four children.  I am a survivor of domestic violence.  I am a resident at [a women's transitional shelter].  I am all of these things and more.  This is my story.  At the age of 19, I met and began to date a man.  Two weeks after our first dating encounter he choked me in a dark alley because one of my friends from high school said hello.  This abuse continued on and got more severe.  Eventually I ended up marrying this man and I bore four children for him.  I was raped, physically, mentally, and financially abused.  I stayed with him because I did not think I could ever do it on my own.  In April of [last] year my husband woke me up and told me he was going to kill me.  He was holding a gun to my head.  This is when I knew that I had to leave.  I escaped and went to a shelter in [a neighboring state], I was there for three weeks when the police informed my husband of my whereabouts.  I was then brought to [another town].  I stayed at a battered women's shelter where my children and myself received counseling and basic skills to survive.  After eight weeks there they had a spot for me at [the women's transitional shelter].  I was nervous.  I began to attend classes and counseling here also.  [The shelter} is one of the best things that has happened to me.  The staff here truly cares about the people and how we are doing.  They want to make sure that when we leave here we have everything that we will need.  I have secured a great job with training, legal help beyond my imagination, and countless support.  I am so thankful and grateful to be a [the women's shelter] resident." 

NOTE: This resident has since been promoted to a management position at her job; has returned to school to complete her MBA, has gotten divorced from the abuser, and has her own rental house.  She continues to stay in touch and give back to her community via volunteering and donations.

My name is Jen Seaquist.  I am honored to have been asked to share my story with you. Which is such an important issue that affects your life, the life of your children and your families.  I speak to you, not as an expert in the study of domestic violence, but rather, as a former victim of domestic violence, as a woman that has literally walked in your shoes.

The hardest thing that I had to realize and accept was that I was as emotionally sick as my abuser.  You can read about the signs of an abused victim on the internet and sometimes even identify that your own situation is similar, but inevitably, you will continue to convince yourself that your abuse is different.  You convince yourself that your abuser is not �all bad,� and that there are even times when you may have deserved the abuse that you were given because you pushed his buttons the wrong way or you failed to do something that you should have done.  You, yourself, have become an equal partner as a self destructing abuser to yourself.

So, how do we break this chain?  The fact that your husband is an Officer of the Law freezes you.  You fear that he will lose his job and your family will be further hurt � this time financially.  You worry that there is no out because everyone in law enforcement will cover for their �brother� and no one will help you or understand your dilemma.  I know � I lived with those fears every single day for years.  In fact, no one in my family ever knew that I was physically abused.  I upheld my husband�s image because I think it made me feel better about myself.  I didn�t want to admit that I was weak.  I convinced myself that I could not break up the family.  Regardless of the physical and verbal abuse, I still had to be the strong one to keep the family together.

It was not until my husband pulled a gun out during an argument for the second time when I realized that I am in a very dangerous situation.  I convinced myself that he never would truly hurt me or the kids and that he was just flexing his muscles and showing me his power.  I finally confided in my mother of what type of life I was living and asked her to keep this a secret.  When she shared my secret with my dad, and ultimately my siblings, I was extremely upset with her and with them for interfering.  I have it under control � at least I thought I did.  I even went to the extent to tell them that if they reported anything to the police � I would deny it or play it down.  My family was unyielding to my warnings that if they didn�t butt out of my life that I would not speak to them.  In fact, that made them all the more determined to get ME the help I needed.  They wanted me to be safe.  I found Guardian Angel, here in Joliet and contacted them for information.  My family urged me to make an appointment to go for counseling.  Deep down, I knew that they were right, so I did.  My father even sat in the parking lot, looking for my car to make sure that I showed up for my appointment.  Once I did, I got on the right track to healing myself as an individual and as a mother.  I realized that I had been protecting the wrong person all along.  I needed to protect myself and my children and to remove myself and my children from the unstable household that we called a family.

Allowing you to be victimized by abuse is wrong.  You are, in essence, protecting someone who is committing an illegal act.    No one is above the law and all police officers are not abusers.  Some people seek out the job as an enforcer of the law because they are insecure and feel powerless in their own right.  They need psychological attention.  Not all law enforcement people are in need of psychological attention, no more than any other profession.  The problem here is that their jobs enable them to be empowered at work, and they carry it home.

I urge you; please do not hesitate to take giant steps away from this lifestyle.  The help you need is here for you.  Your situation is not unique.  Everyone who is married to a police officer fears the same fears.  You may even worry that if you divorce him, he will have your children taken away from you.  God knows . . . he can plant drugs in your car or drum up some other false charges against you.  There are not only counselors, but state officials who are qualified in putting your fears to rest.  Do not continue to look for protection from your abuser.  It is not t o be found there.

I have overcome my fears and have risen above the trauma that I lived.  I am a happier person, and I feel I am a better mother than ever.  I feel good about myself and about the difficult steps I have taken to give myself and my children a new life.  I offer you my assistance.  I offer you my shoulder to cry on.

Fortunately, for me, I accomplished a successful career in real estate.  When I was in that abusive relationship, I escaped it by working hard to accomplish success.  I needed some verification that I was worth something.  By doing so, I cut out a good financial life for my family.  Unfortunately, I didn�t have any control over our finances, but again, since I was with such an overpowering person, he reminded me that although I made the money, he managed it well and was responsible for what material accomplishments we achieved. I am standing in front of you today to tell you that no matter what you do � whether you wait tables, work in an office or whatever your path is....you will be financially better off alone. 

Besides being a fellow-sister to you and listening to you when you need an ear, I also offer you my assistance in making your plan to become independent and to free yourself of your environment.  You do not have to be a prisoner in your own home. 

I invite you again, to please take me up on my offer to help you in any way that I can.  There are many ways in which I can assist you to find a safe place to live and call home for yourself and your children.  Please do not hesitate to call on me if you just need encouragement or a shoulder to lean on.  Talking to someone who has walked in your shoes can help you to learn how to walk in mine and the many other women who have freed themselves from living in a domestic violent home.

God bless you all.

Jen Seaquist
Survivor of Domestic Abuse
815-955-1090

I want people to know how it feels to have their daughter molested.  I�ve been going through this for about 10 years.  It just feels like I can�t trust anyone anymore, especially since it was a family member who did it.  My younger brother molested my daughter when she was about 9 years old.  Her mother was deceased and I needed to work a lot to support the two of us.  It happened when I was working nights.  I had a babysitter, who had an emergency contact number.  I thought that would keep her safe. 

I got a call at work between 2 & 3 am from a Will County Detective.  She was at a hospital with my daughter.  She told me to get there right away, but didn�t tell me what happened to her.  When I got to the hospital she was waiting for me in the hallway. The detective told me they had received a call informing them that my brother had broken into the apartment and assaulted my daughter, leaving her tied up. 

I had left my daughter with a babysitter I thought I could trust.  Apparently, after my daughter went to sleep, the babysitter left. Some time after that my brother broke a window and got into my apartment while I was at work.  My neighbor called the Will County Sheriff�s police. The police responded to the call quickly, but my brother had already left when the police arrived. I asked where the babysitter was and was informed no babysitter was present. 

After I was done talking to the detective the doctor came out and talked to me.  He told me that my child had been raped.  They had found evidence that later provided a clear DNA connection to my brother.  My daughter confirmed for the detective that it was her uncle who had done this to her.  A few days later he was caught.  The detective asked me if I wanted the crime to be reported in the paper.  I said yes.  I wanted other people to know what he was capable of; I didn�t want him to have the chance to hurt anyone else.  What he did has given me a bad reputation.  We share a last name and apparently, because of that we share the shame of what he did.

Rather than go to trial he plead guilty to sexual assault and received a 6 year sentence.  He got out in 3 years on good behavior.  I was mad that he got out so soon.  There are times when I can�t stop thinking about it.  The more I think about it the angrier I get.  I can�t get rid of the anger.  Sometimes I feel that I have to let it go, but another part of me doesn�t want to.  I�m afraid that he will do it again to somebody else.  I want people to know about that.   I thought I could trust him.  When the detective told me it was my brother I just thought �Why.  Why couldn�t it be someone else?�  I needed to find out why.  But I still don�t know.  I know my Dad never abused him.  He was always in trouble as a kid, but I can�t understand why he did this.  I worry that he is somewhere hurting somebody else.

I know I need to start my life over.  I need to find a way to deal with the guilt and pain I�ve been dealing with for the last 9 or 10 years.  But, I�m not sure how.  I have been lost and confused for so long and feel my brother has taken a huge part of my life away.  I can�t understand how someone I trusted and was supposed to be my best friend was able to take away my trust, loyalty, and above all else, my daughter in a single act without looking back.  My daughter doesn�t talk to me.  If I am lucky, we speak once every three months.  She blames me for not being there to protect her.  I know I need to give her space to deal with this in her own way, but I miss her and hope someday we can be close again and have the type of relationship we once had.

December 10^th

One night ruined the rest of my life

I trusted him

He was a friend I felt safe around

It only took one night to take away the trust, safety, friendship

He knew what he was doing

He waited until I was weak, couldn�t fight back

There was nothing I could do

I couldn�t talk, couldn�t move, couldn�t think, couldn�t stay awake

He deliberately violated my boundaries, my rights as a human being

He took advantage of my body, my feelings, my life, my soul

He had no right to hurt me on that one night

One night ruined the rest of my life

I hate him

He was never my friend

I took only one night to make me feel dirty, whorish, ashamed, guilty, degraded, scared,
depressed, helpless, confused, angry, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, uncomfortable,
disgusted, untrusting, taken advantage of,; emotionally destroyed

He knows how he made me feel

He did it on purpose, planned it

There is nothing I can do

I can�t talk, can�t move, can�t stay asleep

He deliberately violated my boundaries, my rights as a human being

He took advantage of my body, my feelings, my life, my soul

He had no right to hurt me on that one night

One night ruined the rest of my life

These are the feelings I live with every day

What I wake up with, what I fall asleep with

They haunt me

The thought of him and what he did haunts me, scares me

My soul is disturbed, my heart is frozen, my body is ruined

What�s done is done

Maybe there is something I can do

I can pray, pretend it never happened, ignore it, deny it, forget it

Impossible

There is nothing anyone can do to make what he did on that night okay,
acceptable, over with

He deliberately violated my boundaries, my rights as a human being

He took advantage of my body, my feelings, my life, my soul

He had no right to hurt me on that one night

One night ruined the rest of my life

            You�ve probably heard that there are many different kinds of abuse.  Now that I understand what abuse really is, I understand just how abused I was. 

            My husband thought he was above the law.  He thought I was his �property� to do as he wished.   He thought he could beat on me and nobody would care, that he had the right to.   He really thought he owned me, that I was his slave, and I could only do what he allowed me to do.  He had total control over just about everything.

            He didn�t let me use the car unless he was with me.  He said I would get lost (in the town I had lived in my whole life.)

            He worked hard at convincing me that I was worthless, stupid, that nobody cared about me, and I should be grateful that he provided food and shelter for me.   No matter what I did, it was not good enough.  He was so mean and nasty to my friends and family that they began to stay away from me.  I felt very isolated and afraid.  He controlled the money very closely�I tried to squeeze a few extra dollars from the grocery money and hide it in the house to save up to get away.  He found it every time, no matter how well I hid it.

            Some of my family said �you made your bed, now lay in it.�  They were afraid of him, too.  They thought if they helped me, he would come after them.  They were right.  He would have. 

            When I finally got tired of the beatings, the constant yelling, the control, the manipulation, the threats, and the fear�something in me snapped.  I just didn�t care what he did to me.  Then he had no more power over me.   I called the police and got help.  I got an order of protection from the courts and then I got help from several agencies in Will County, got counseling, and got better.  I got some truth and a new life. 

                     Save yourself and your kids.   Abuse is not okay.  It is not his right.  It is not your fault.   

It is a CRIME.

To my sisters in despair:

            They tell me that abuse can happen to anyone.  I never thought it could happen to me.  ME?  No way.  He couldn�t be an abuser�that would mean I was abused!  No way.

            Too bad it took me so long to see what everyone else saw.  They knew what was going on.  Even when I covered up, protected him, made excuses for him, I wasn�t fooling anyone (except myself).   Neither are you.  They know.  The people who love you KNOW.  They do.  ASK them.

            When you are ready to face the truth, people will be there to help you.  I got help and support from my church, and a domestic violence counselor.  The counselor helped me see what was really happening to me and my kids.  She helped me get an order of protection.  There IS help, but you have to want help.  You have to accept help. 

            My friend (one of those who wasn�t fooled for a minute) said to me, �When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you�re gonna get on up out of that mess!�    When I finally understood what she meant, I realized how true that was.  I got there.  I believe you will,  too.

            Sometimes abusers get well.   Sometimes.  But he won�t until you do.  He won�t believe his behavior is unacceptable until you do.  He won�t think he�s doing anything wrong until you do.  Is it okay with you if he beats on you, yells at you, ridicules you, controls you?  How about your children?   Do you give your permission for him to hurt them?  If you don�t stop him, who will?  Do you want your son to start treating girls and women like his father does?  Do you want your daughter to grow up and find her own man to abuse her?  Stop the cycle.  Enough.

I pray you will get help.  Now.