"I am a single mother of four children.  I am a survivor of domestic violence.  I am a resident at [a women's transitional shelter].  I am all of these things and more.  This is my story.  At the age of 19, I met and began to date a man.  Two weeks after our first dating encounter he choked me in a dark alley because one of my friends from high school said hello.  This abuse continued on and got more severe.  Eventually I ended up marrying this man and I bore four children for him.  I was raped, physically, mentally, and financially abused.  I stayed with him because I did not think I could ever do it on my own.  In April of [last] year my husband woke me up and told me he was going to kill me.  He was holding a gun to my head.  This is when I knew that I had to leave.  I escaped and went to a shelter in [a neighboring state], I was there for three weeks when the police informed my husband of my whereabouts.  I was then brought to [another town].  I stayed at a battered women's shelter where my children and myself received counseling and basic skills to survive.  After eight weeks there they had a spot for me at [the women's transitional shelter].  I was nervous.  I began to attend classes and counseling here also.  [The shelter} is one of the best things that has happened to me.  The staff here truly cares about the people and how we are doing.  They want to make sure that when we leave here we have everything that we will need.  I have secured a great job with training, legal help beyond my imagination, and countless support.  I am so thankful and grateful to be a [the women's shelter] resident." 

NOTE: This resident has since been promoted to a management position at her job; has returned to school to complete her MBA, has gotten divorced from the abuser, and has her own rental house.  She continues to stay in touch and give back to her community via volunteering and donations.

My name is Jen Seaquist.  I am honored to have been asked to share my story with you. Which is such an important issue that affects your life, the life of your children and your families.  I speak to you, not as an expert in the study of domestic violence, but rather, as a former victim of domestic violence, as a woman that has literally walked in your shoes.

The hardest thing that I had to realize and accept was that I was as emotionally sick as my abuser.  You can read about the signs of an abused victim on the internet and sometimes even identify that your own situation is similar, but inevitably, you will continue to convince yourself that your abuse is different.  You convince yourself that your abuser is not “all bad,” and that there are even times when you may have deserved the abuse that you were given because you pushed his buttons the wrong way or you failed to do something that you should have done.  You, yourself, have become an equal partner as a self destructing abuser to yourself.

So, how do we break this chain?  The fact that your husband is an Officer of the Law freezes you.  You fear that he will lose his job and your family will be further hurt – this time financially.  You worry that there is no out because everyone in law enforcement will cover for their “brother” and no one will help you or understand your dilemma.  I know – I lived with those fears every single day for years.  In fact, no one in my family ever knew that I was physically abused.  I upheld my husband’s image because I think it made me feel better about myself.  I didn’t want to admit that I was weak.  I convinced myself that I could not break up the family.  Regardless of the physical and verbal abuse, I still had to be the strong one to keep the family together.

It was not until my husband pulled a gun out during an argument for the second time when I realized that I am in a very dangerous situation.  I convinced myself that he never would truly hurt me or the kids and that he was just flexing his muscles and showing me his power.  I finally confided in my mother of what type of life I was living and asked her to keep this a secret.  When she shared my secret with my dad, and ultimately my siblings, I was extremely upset with her and with them for interfering.  I have it under control – at least I thought I did.  I even went to the extent to tell them that if they reported anything to the police – I would deny it or play it down.  My family was unyielding to my warnings that if they didn’t butt out of my life that I would not speak to them.  In fact, that made them all the more determined to get ME the help I needed.  They wanted me to be safe.  I found Guardian Angel, here in Joliet and contacted them for information.  My family urged me to make an appointment to go for counseling.  Deep down, I knew that they were right, so I did.  My father even sat in the parking lot, looking for my car to make sure that I showed up for my appointment.  Once I did, I got on the right track to healing myself as an individual and as a mother.  I realized that I had been protecting the wrong person all along.  I needed to protect myself and my children and to remove myself and my children from the unstable household that we called a family.

Allowing you to be victimized by abuse is wrong.  You are, in essence, protecting someone who is committing an illegal act.    No one is above the law and all police officers are not abusers.  Some people seek out the job as an enforcer of the law because they are insecure and feel powerless in their own right.  They need psychological attention.  Not all law enforcement people are in need of psychological attention, no more than any other profession.  The problem here is that their jobs enable them to be empowered at work, and they carry it home.

I urge you; please do not hesitate to take giant steps away from this lifestyle.  The help you need is here for you.  Your situation is not unique.  Everyone who is married to a police officer fears the same fears.  You may even worry that if you divorce him, he will have your children taken away from you.  God knows . . . he can plant drugs in your car or drum up some other false charges against you.  There are not only counselors, but state officials who are qualified in putting your fears to rest.  Do not continue to look for protection from your abuser.  It is not t o be found there.

I have overcome my fears and have risen above the trauma that I lived.  I am a happier person, and I feel I am a better mother than ever.  I feel good about myself and about the difficult steps I have taken to give myself and my children a new life.  I offer you my assistance.  I offer you my shoulder to cry on.

Fortunately, for me, I accomplished a successful career in real estate.  When I was in that abusive relationship, I escaped it by working hard to accomplish success.  I needed some verification that I was worth something.  By doing so, I cut out a good financial life for my family.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have any control over our finances, but again, since I was with such an overpowering person, he reminded me that although I made the money, he managed it well and was responsible for what material accomplishments we achieved. I am standing in front of you today to tell you that no matter what you do – whether you wait tables, work in an office or whatever your path is....you will be financially better off alone. 

Besides being a fellow-sister to you and listening to you when you need an ear, I also offer you my assistance in making your plan to become independent and to free yourself of your environment.  You do not have to be a prisoner in your own home. 

I invite you again, to please take me up on my offer to help you in any way that I can.  There are many ways in which I can assist you to find a safe place to live and call home for yourself and your children.  Please do not hesitate to call on me if you just need encouragement or a shoulder to lean on.  Talking to someone who has walked in your shoes can help you to learn how to walk in mine and the many other women who have freed themselves from living in a domestic violent home.

God bless you all.

Jen Seaquist
Survivor of Domestic Abuse
815-955-1090

I want people to know how it feels to have their daughter molested.  I’ve been going through this for about 10 years.  It just feels like I can’t trust anyone anymore, especially since it was a family member who did it.  My younger brother molested my daughter when she was about 9 years old.  Her mother was deceased and I needed to work a lot to support the two of us.  It happened when I was working nights.  I had a babysitter, who had an emergency contact number.  I thought that would keep her safe. 

I got a call at work between 2 & 3 am from a Will County Detective.  She was at a hospital with my daughter.  She told me to get there right away, but didn’t tell me what happened to her.  When I got to the hospital she was waiting for me in the hallway. The detective told me they had received a call informing them that my brother had broken into the apartment and assaulted my daughter, leaving her tied up. 

I had left my daughter with a babysitter I thought I could trust.  Apparently, after my daughter went to sleep, the babysitter left. Some time after that my brother broke a window and got into my apartment while I was at work.  My neighbor called the Will County Sheriff’s police. The police responded to the call quickly, but my brother had already left when the police arrived. I asked where the babysitter was and was informed no babysitter was present. 

After I was done talking to the detective the doctor came out and talked to me.  He told me that my child had been raped.  They had found evidence that later provided a clear DNA connection to my brother.  My daughter confirmed for the detective that it was her uncle who had done this to her.  A few days later he was caught.  The detective asked me if I wanted the crime to be reported in the paper.  I said yes.  I wanted other people to know what he was capable of; I didn’t want him to have the chance to hurt anyone else.  What he did has given me a bad reputation.  We share a last name and apparently, because of that we share the shame of what he did.

Rather than go to trial he plead guilty to sexual assault and received a 6 year sentence.  He got out in 3 years on good behavior.  I was mad that he got out so soon.  There are times when I can’t stop thinking about it.  The more I think about it the angrier I get.  I can’t get rid of the anger.  Sometimes I feel that I have to let it go, but another part of me doesn’t want to.  I’m afraid that he will do it again to somebody else.  I want people to know about that.   I thought I could trust him.  When the detective told me it was my brother I just thought “Why.  Why couldn’t it be someone else?”  I needed to find out why.  But I still don’t know.  I know my Dad never abused him.  He was always in trouble as a kid, but I can’t understand why he did this.  I worry that he is somewhere hurting somebody else.

I know I need to start my life over.  I need to find a way to deal with the guilt and pain I’ve been dealing with for the last 9 or 10 years.  But, I’m not sure how.  I have been lost and confused for so long and feel my brother has taken a huge part of my life away.  I can’t understand how someone I trusted and was supposed to be my best friend was able to take away my trust, loyalty, and above all else, my daughter in a single act without looking back.  My daughter doesn’t talk to me.  If I am lucky, we speak once every three months.  She blames me for not being there to protect her.  I know I need to give her space to deal with this in her own way, but I miss her and hope someday we can be close again and have the type of relationship we once had.

December 10^th

One night ruined the rest of my life

I trusted him

He was a friend I felt safe around

It only took one night to take away the trust, safety, friendship

He knew what he was doing

He waited until I was weak, couldn’t fight back

There was nothing I could do

I couldn’t talk, couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t stay awake

He deliberately violated my boundaries, my rights as a human being

He took advantage of my body, my feelings, my life, my soul

He had no right to hurt me on that one night

One night ruined the rest of my life

I hate him

He was never my friend

I took only one night to make me feel dirty, whorish, ashamed, guilty, degraded, scared,
depressed, helpless, confused, angry, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, uncomfortable,
disgusted, untrusting, taken advantage of,; emotionally destroyed

He knows how he made me feel

He did it on purpose, planned it

There is nothing I can do

I can’t talk, can’t move, can’t stay asleep

He deliberately violated my boundaries, my rights as a human being

He took advantage of my body, my feelings, my life, my soul

He had no right to hurt me on that one night

One night ruined the rest of my life

These are the feelings I live with every day

What I wake up with, what I fall asleep with

They haunt me

The thought of him and what he did haunts me, scares me

My soul is disturbed, my heart is frozen, my body is ruined

What’s done is done

Maybe there is something I can do

I can pray, pretend it never happened, ignore it, deny it, forget it

Impossible

There is nothing anyone can do to make what he did on that night okay,
acceptable, over with

He deliberately violated my boundaries, my rights as a human being

He took advantage of my body, my feelings, my life, my soul

He had no right to hurt me on that one night

One night ruined the rest of my life

            You’ve probably heard that there are many different kinds of abuse.  Now that I understand what abuse really is, I understand just how abused I was. 

            My husband thought he was above the law.  He thought I was his ‘property’ to do as he wished.   He thought he could beat on me and nobody would care, that he had the right to.   He really thought he owned me, that I was his slave, and I could only do what he allowed me to do.  He had total control over just about everything.

            He didn’t let me use the car unless he was with me.  He said I would get lost (in the town I had lived in my whole life.)

            He worked hard at convincing me that I was worthless, stupid, that nobody cared about me, and I should be grateful that he provided food and shelter for me.   No matter what I did, it was not good enough.  He was so mean and nasty to my friends and family that they began to stay away from me.  I felt very isolated and afraid.  He controlled the money very closely—I tried to squeeze a few extra dollars from the grocery money and hide it in the house to save up to get away.  He found it every time, no matter how well I hid it.

            Some of my family said “you made your bed, now lay in it.”  They were afraid of him, too.  They thought if they helped me, he would come after them.  They were right.  He would have. 

            When I finally got tired of the beatings, the constant yelling, the control, the manipulation, the threats, and the fear—something in me snapped.  I just didn’t care what he did to me.  Then he had no more power over me.   I called the police and got help.  I got an order of protection from the courts and then I got help from several agencies in Will County, got counseling, and got better.  I got some truth and a new life. 

                     Save yourself and your kids.   Abuse is not okay.  It is not his right.  It is not your fault.   

It is a CRIME.

To my sisters in despair:

            They tell me that abuse can happen to anyone.  I never thought it could happen to me.  ME?  No way.  He couldn’t be an abuser—that would mean I was abused!  No way.

            Too bad it took me so long to see what everyone else saw.  They knew what was going on.  Even when I covered up, protected him, made excuses for him, I wasn’t fooling anyone (except myself).   Neither are you.  They know.  The people who love you KNOW.  They do.  ASK them.

            When you are ready to face the truth, people will be there to help you.  I got help and support from my church, and a domestic violence counselor.  The counselor helped me see what was really happening to me and my kids.  She helped me get an order of protection.  There IS help, but you have to want help.  You have to accept help. 

            My friend (one of those who wasn’t fooled for a minute) said to me, “When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you’re gonna get on up out of that mess!”    When I finally understood what she meant, I realized how true that was.  I got there.  I believe you will,  too.

            Sometimes abusers get well.   Sometimes.  But he won’t until you do.  He won’t believe his behavior is unacceptable until you do.  He won’t think he’s doing anything wrong until you do.  Is it okay with you if he beats on you, yells at you, ridicules you, controls you?  How about your children?   Do you give your permission for him to hurt them?  If you don’t stop him, who will?  Do you want your son to start treating girls and women like his father does?  Do you want your daughter to grow up and find her own man to abuse her?  Stop the cycle.  Enough.

I pray you will get help.  Now.