As I was walking this morning, to clear my head, after another emotional draining morning, of my abuser husband hitting me and throwing the breakfast I made him across the table as he was cursing at me and calling me names, because he didn’t like it, I thought to myself, that I can get through this…..that I can get out somehow.
I thought of this today even stronger than before, because this has been going on for so long, and he makes me feel like it is my fault for why he hits me. When he gives me a bloody nose, or pulls my hair and some comes out, he blames me! When he tells me I am a c**t, and an f***ing loser, he blames me! When he pushes me down the basement stairs, and my legs and knees are bruised and I am crying in pain, he blames me! When his buddy has seen me crying and bruised, and he laughs in front of my husband, and after he leaves, I get beaten again, because he says I have embarrassed him by crying, he blames me!
I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I have had enough. He has so much power over me, not because I gave it to him, but he took it because he has so many people around him telling he can do whatever he likes and get away with it.
I know what others have told me about the court system in this county, which is Will County, and they have said that it is unfair to victims of domestic violence, especially when the men have power or know people. It is disgusting that this is the state of our court system anywhere, because no one should be allowed to be treated like they are less than human.
I have been told by my abuser husband that I am not worth anything and no one cares or loves me, and I should feel lucky to be with him at all. He is a disgusting and pathetic human being for treating me in the worst possible way. I have nothing left. I am holding onto my strength, deep inside me, because I will not allow him to break me anymore!!! It is way past time for me and for any other woman who has been abused, to stand up against their abusers and against anyone else who thinks this abusive behavior is ok. This includes standing up against those in the court system that look the other way and don’t care about victims of domestic violence!
I know I deserve more in my life. I will get through this with every ounce of strength I have.
If I could talk to another survivor like myself, I would tell them to stand strong! We all deserve more and we all deserve better!!!! I have dreams, I have goals, and this was not one of them to be stuck in a bad and abusive marriage. I want something more for myself, and I deserve more.
I wipe my tears and take a deep breath as I walk back to the house, to face him again, and contemplate what I will do to get out!
I will keep my positive thoughts of the strength I have within me, to survive.