I was watching a movie, not long ago, with the words I say to myself everyday, since the first day he hit me, and caused a bad bloody nose, and bruised cheek. It says; “You is kind, You is smart, You is important.”
I have to repeat this to myself many times on a daily basis, even while he hits me. I am a kind person that doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, even though he says I deserve to be hit and more!
My life is real, my pain is real, it is not a movie. I am going through so much physical as well emotional pain, all at the same time, and sometimes it can be very overwhelming. Especially while I am seeking to leave my abuser, but not knowing how to do so. It is scary, to say the least!
The amount of fear I have, deciding how to leave, while taking care of my little girl, is very stressful and fills me with such anxiety. How many times he has told me, while hitting me, that no one will believe me if I tell anyone what he does to me. So he says I better keep my mouth shut, or I will lose everything and end up sleeping in the streets. Of course, I am afraid.
When I am hit repeatedly and stripped of my dignity…..I feel empty. After being beaten down physically and emotionally, I feel so raw, like I am down to nothing. Does anyone know how that feels?!
Feeling so alone, I am so glad I have my baby girl, she and I have each other. I pray that I can find the strength to get us both out of here. He scares my little girl everyday, as I see in her eyes the fear she has of him, and she is only three, so I need to get her out of this horror.
I just need to take that one step, to get even a small little room to rent somewhere (if I can find help), far away from him, then I can find a job to get my daughter and I a better life. Just need a lift up and a miracle. One step at a time.